I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
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