Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I just blew my weed a kiss
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
