I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
