how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
