I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
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