you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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