Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
