i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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