just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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