if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Randomize