I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
