I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
