I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
