Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
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