I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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