Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
