I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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