just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
