umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Blow job season was short but glorious.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
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