the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
