Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
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