So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
