seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Randomize
