Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
