Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
