Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
