i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
