You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Randomize
