I wish my penis had an off switch
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
