508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Randomize
