Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
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