YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize