The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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