I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
