there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
