He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
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