what day is it and did you see me today?
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize