I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
