Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
