i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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