I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Randomize
