I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
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