It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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