I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
