I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
