I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
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