you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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