mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Randomize