When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
