Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Randomize
