fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
