my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
