i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
You need a sexual gate keeper
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
