Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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