Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize
