at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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